The OJ Simpson Variety Hour

What? You mean I was convicted of something?

So Mr. Simpson was convicted recently of more random OJ acts of total insanity.  He is one of the most exonerated and absolutely conscienceless criminals in American history.  So in honor of the conviction that will finally put this infamous criminal in the big house….I give you a reprisal of my article originally posted on The Des Moines Register written almost one year ago when the shit started hitting the fan for Nordberg…..enjoy.

11/14/07

The OJ Simpson Variety Hour

O.J Simpson is like a really bad case of hemorrhoids. One nearly needs a surgical procedure to remove him from the public spot light. This time however, things could turn out badly for the Juice. Yes ladies and gentleman, the acquitted but obviously guilty murderer we love to hate has done something impulsive and violent to solve his problems once again…allegedly. Are you done feigning shock yet? Ok…let’s continue.

Simpson, along with two other men, is charged with an array of felony kidnapping and armed robbery charges in Las Vegas. The charges came after a rag tag group assembled by Simpson, who is obviously learning disabled, held captive via automatic pistols a room of memorabilia dealers with some of his alleged stolen personal stuff. Now three individuals have cut deals with prosecutors for bearing witness against hurricane juice.

I’ve heard a lot of conversation on TV where people are asking the obvious questions. One question is, “Why is he charged for trying to get his own stuff back?”

Well…good question. Wouldn’t you know it; the law has an answer for that…two wrongs don’t make a right. If someone steals my stuff, I can’t organize a posse led by a former NFL champion and a circus of thugs in tow. Simpson apparently has confused himself with someone who can get away with murder….*roll eyes here*

Next question, “Why should the man who nearly decapitated the mother of his children and stabbed to death her best friend get a fair trial after the scales of justice were melted down and incinerated in his favor in 1995?”

Also a good question…and every time I visualize O.J. Simpson’s smug, delusional face I renew my Karma Weekly subscription. The sad fact is O.J. is going to get a fair trial like Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman didn’t get in 1995, because we can’t let a few Ito’s spoil the bunch. Our system needs to operate consistently, post Simpson murder trial, because if we start to let our feelings get in the way it will set a precedence and we will inconsistently judge others on trial. So even if O.J. belongs six feet under for the atrocities he’s committed, he’s unfortunately already been judged for that crime by 12 seriously dim witted jurors. He’s been judged in the public forum however, and Simpson knows with every glare that he’s been convicted.

So…am I surprised he’s in trouble again? No. I just want him to go away because every time I see the news with his greasy grin on the screen it’s a constant reminder that along with help from Ito and 12 jurors, O.J. mocked our judicial system and those he murdered 13 years ago. So pretty please….with sugar on top….Las Vegas can you please put this man behind bars. WHOEVER happens in Vegas…stays in Vegas.

Where am I anyway?

redundancy at its best

Hey guys….so I’ve neglected my thousands…uh….dozens of readers by being away for a couple months.  You may be able to tell that I needed a slight break because my last three entries I posted were videos instead of writing.  What a cop out!  Anyway – with the election coming up and more BS in the news now more than ever, I decided to dive back in now that I’m doing a bit better personally.  No worries….nothing serious….just life.

Crap o’ The Day.

complete cry baby and 100% insane. no question.

This is a little moment I’m calling Crap O’ the Day – my brief thoughts on three current events.

1) Have you ever wanted the coveted seat in a car we refer to as “Shotgun” so much you were willing to kill for it?  A guy in Louisiana wanted it so bad he actually took a box cutter and slashed his friends throat in order to claim shotgun.  I bet he was really pissed when he had to sit in the back of a cop cruiser.

2)  Hillary Clinton has proved how willing she is to “cross party lines” for the greater good of the American people.  When she heard Palin was attending a rally to support Isreal and talk smack about Iran’s lunatic president, she became angry and pulled out of her committment to go.  Hmmm.  Show support for Jews in Isreal against Ahmadinejad’s ethnocentric ideals or be seen with Palin?  I don’t like Palin, but Hillary gets the “Big Fucking Deal” award for this move as this was a bipartisan event.  Nice job crossing those party lines you feminist carpet bagging cry baby.

3)  I love my soda, but would I serve 6 months in jail for it…maybe.  But it would have to be a damn good reason and most likely involve Captain Morgan.  A lady in Idaho who escorts her dad regularly to the V.A. Hospital is facing 6 months by the Feds for noncompliance when the clerk demanded $3.80 instead of $1.50 for her soda refill and after a scuffle ensued, spilling her soda on the counter.  U.S. Attorney Tom Moss is bringing federal charges against this woman.  Excess much Tom?  This is complete nonsense and a total waste of time and taxpayer dollars.  Anyway, after the nationwide press this story just received in the last day, I’m sure U.S. Attorney Tom Moss is about to learn the sad news that he’s reached his level of incompetence.  Bye Tom!

Find the man in the coffee beans.

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

Love = Mental Illness: How do you know when you’re in love?

I recently was asked by someone to casually analyze the emotion of love and the course of a relationship briefly while eating dinner. The question primarily: when did you know? How did you know?

I gave a marginally acceptable (perhaps fumbling) answer regarding this person’s circumstances as I admit I was more stunned by the personal invitation into a life I had not been apart of for 10 years. The problem started when I came home and couldn’t shake the true process of love. I sat on the couch, laid in my bed, stared at the walls and like a dead fish at late night TV while the question of love ran through and through. What is it? How do we really know?

Rather than collect a series of baby Rhesus monkeys for experimentation in order to prove love like the famed psychologist Harry Harlow, I decided to do a series of mini brainstorms. So here they are, the answers I’ve come up with.

Poetic Answer

Love is a bonfire; not only in a heart, but it sets the knowable world ablaze. This is a burning, smoldering intensity that is unmistakable. UNDENIABLE. As air to the lungs, love is to a heart and a beating heart will not let go if one is authentically in love.

Rant on Love

Is love imitated? Yes, disguised as anger and jealousy, possession and control – these are the dangerous cousins of love? Can you miss the signs of love? It’s possible…you must deny yourself the ability, or the desire to need another person. Love is not optional, it’s not a test. You feel it or you don’t. It is necessity of the heart and if one chooses a course of life not conducive to the introduction of another, it is more choice than act of feeling, because when love is at the wheel…the yearning to be with the person we love is night and day. Love is sometimes a less rational and more progressive movement towards unity. This is love.

Scientific Answer

Chemically, love is a rush in your central nervous system. Your pupils dilate as you attempt to visually intake more of the one you love. Your Sympathetic Nervous System will stimulate the release of adrenaline, and the portion of your brain that responds to pleasure and reward will light up (if under watch in an MRI) where receptors will be waiting for neurotransmitters that provide Dopamine. A chemical which can provide great amounts of heightened energy and motivation to achieve the visual pleasure your eyes have given you. Due to how we physically respond to love, researchers say love under scientific scope looks the same as mental illness. This is love.

Realistic/Long term Answer

Love is also the desire to hold someone even as they become older. The capacity to be intensely furious with a person you love and yet come to them and work it out. The courage to birth children. The courage to coach a woman birthing children. Holding a dying hand and telling them to be strong. Saying the wrong things…doing the wrong things, and asking for forgiveness. Telling people what you need. Helping someone through it, past it, over it, and under it. Struggling, mending, hurting, crying, dreaming, enjoying, laughing, asking, hoping, wanting, smiling, living, loving.

WANTING love still even knowing how hard it will be. This is love.

The Conclusion or Ultimate Answer

There has been one thing I have never questioned in life until now and that is….love. When I say the words and when I’ve said the words, “I love you,” I have meant it because I’ve felt it. I’ve been moved by it, physically and emotionally. It is maybe the only thing in my life that has remained unchanged. So to those of you, who may lie up at night questioning the process of love, I say this; love is never vague. It’s in your every pore, on the surface of your skin, and bleeds through every organ. Love is all things ignited. A heart in love will not beat vaguely.

There is a less singular, multifaceted feeling in life which can defy and simultaneously exhaust all explanation. This is love. You can’t miss it.

Holly

American Airlines Lose Dead Body: Who’s flying this plane?

We're your crew...you got a prob with that?

No body loses dead bodies like American Airlines.  This week it was revealed a Mr. Miguel Olaya is suing the largest Airline in the world for losing something far more precious than naked pictures of your secretary after an incompetent flight on a “business trip” to Cancun.  AA lost his dead wife, Teresa.  A woman who fought a recent battle of pancreatic cancer. How does that happen exactly?  How does one lose a dead body?

Personally, if I was the head of the AA Dead Body Travel Department, I might have come up with some ingenious device, like maybe attaching a well placed jingle bell on the cadaver, so wherever the body travels, my certainly competent crew would have *ahem* a head’s up…on the location of said body.

Though – I’m not in charge, so let’s just call this a spade and say, it’s a dead body.  What gives AA?  Do the airlines suddenly have a severe case of narcolepsy at the wheel, because every other week they’re mistreating passengers.  Air traffic control is tokin’ weed in the tower as a variety of planes have almost hit each other landing or taking off, and prices are going insane (they’re going to start charging for people by the ounce soon) – and all this after the whole industry has been bailed out via bankruptcy by the government.

Now we’ve hit rock bottom, because American Airlines, the LARGEST AIRLINES IN THE BUSINESS, can’t even ship a DEAD BODY correctly to her native country to be buried.  I’m not saying mistakes don’t happen.  Lately though, in this industry, the airline creates a barely tolerable, barely affordable, hostile, and unapologetic environment…without a hint of true customer satisfaction or common sense.  And the customers are paying through the nose for this treatment.  The last several flights I took, which have been a few years back, all of my flight attendants could have been stand in doubles for Faye Dunaway’s wire hanger scene in Mommy Dearest.  Only the flight attendants had more makeup.  My point however is that I think it’s time people stop paying for this unbelievable customer disservice and start using other means of transportation.  If you continue, you’re apart of this jackass problem.

Currently, American Airline’s motto is

“We know why you fly, we’re American Airlines.” – Well that may have been the case in the glory days AA.  Let me, however, suggest a new campaign slogon more befitting.

“We know why you fly, and we don’t give a shit.  We’re American Airlines.”

Air Guitar World Championships? – or what I like to call the official ‘No Talent Ass Clown Championships’

What happens when a group of people discover they like to “rock out” to music and want to be rock stars and have the fanfare without all the hard work and effort of actually learning about music or learning to play music.  It’s called the  Air Guitar World Championships….and yes…there’s a real audience in this video.  A real, sad, audience.  Anyway – I’m putting this video up in hopes to remind people that just because you have an audience, doesn’t make the shit you’re pulling legitimate. By the way…the guy you’re watching has named himself ‘Hot Lixx Hulahan’ ….even though the only ‘lixx’ he plays are in the air.

Michael Jackson: Nostalgic for afros and noses.

If we could turn back time....

This week in crazy sh*t Michael Jackson is up to:

1)  Apparently he’s been hooked up out and about on “secret dates” with Pamela Anderson. <—seriously.  Footnote:  Lisa Presley

2)  Still being sued for a variety of contractual breaches.

3)  Turning 50 years old and looks like a fondue pot of Monterrey Jack with a bit of eye liner.

4)  He still likes taking the stunned rapper ‘Akon’ to the movies while donning pajamas and headscarves.

Can’t we just go back to the days of yore??  I’m crying out for a little Jackson 5 action and normal noses.

damn 5-0

Cool Guy… x 4