Find the man in the coffee beans.

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

American Airlines Lose Dead Body: Who’s flying this plane?

We're your crew...you got a prob with that?

No body loses dead bodies like American Airlines.  This week it was revealed a Mr. Miguel Olaya is suing the largest Airline in the world for losing something far more precious than naked pictures of your secretary after an incompetent flight on a “business trip” to Cancun.  AA lost his dead wife, Teresa.  A woman who fought a recent battle of pancreatic cancer. How does that happen exactly?  How does one lose a dead body?

Personally, if I was the head of the AA Dead Body Travel Department, I might have come up with some ingenious device, like maybe attaching a well placed jingle bell on the cadaver, so wherever the body travels, my certainly competent crew would have *ahem* a head’s up…on the location of said body.

Though – I’m not in charge, so let’s just call this a spade and say, it’s a dead body.  What gives AA?  Do the airlines suddenly have a severe case of narcolepsy at the wheel, because every other week they’re mistreating passengers.  Air traffic control is tokin’ weed in the tower as a variety of planes have almost hit each other landing or taking off, and prices are going insane (they’re going to start charging for people by the ounce soon) – and all this after the whole industry has been bailed out via bankruptcy by the government.

Now we’ve hit rock bottom, because American Airlines, the LARGEST AIRLINES IN THE BUSINESS, can’t even ship a DEAD BODY correctly to her native country to be buried.  I’m not saying mistakes don’t happen.  Lately though, in this industry, the airline creates a barely tolerable, barely affordable, hostile, and unapologetic environment…without a hint of true customer satisfaction or common sense.  And the customers are paying through the nose for this treatment.  The last several flights I took, which have been a few years back, all of my flight attendants could have been stand in doubles for Faye Dunaway’s wire hanger scene in Mommy Dearest.  Only the flight attendants had more makeup.  My point however is that I think it’s time people stop paying for this unbelievable customer disservice and start using other means of transportation.  If you continue, you’re apart of this jackass problem.

Currently, American Airline’s motto is

“We know why you fly, we’re American Airlines.” – Well that may have been the case in the glory days AA.  Let me, however, suggest a new campaign slogon more befitting.

“We know why you fly, and we don’t give a shit.  We’re American Airlines.”

Voice Legend LaFontaine Dies

In a world where.....

I just received word from Frank Charlton’s blog that voice legend Don LaFontaine has died.  The man you hear on the opening trailer of almost every film for the last several decades has passed on. You may have seen him in a recent Geico commercial.  He came equipped with a voice that sounded like it may have created the Grand Canyon itself.  Deep and majestic.

If I wasn’t made of blood and water, I’d be constructed of the desire for film, and Don Lafontaine was a staple in the film industry. He did something so unique and that was build a brand using his voice and then proceeded to make his voice a monopoly against all competition. There was NO ONE who could match Don. He wins. He won. His words were deep, sultry, exciting, thrilling, all of those things – and I loved every syllable!! Thanks for the time Don!

AMY WINEHOUSE PIC. WTF???

This pic is from July 2008.  There’s really nothing else I can say here except this is the true nature of drugs.  This is unfortunately not altered.  This was once a young woman who was put together like a marble statue and now resembles a smoked pile of ashes.  Recent reports have indicated she has recently overdosed and suffered massive convulsions as a result and because of a 36 hour cannabis bender (something that can actually be extremely dangerous) – medics have reported they now fear permanent brain damage and symptoms that resemble schizophrenia.  This one may hold true as her manager has recently canceled show after show – one of which she is currently being sued for in a French venue.

I hope someday she’ll be emotionally healthy enough to look like this again:

Cuban Wheaties Loser

Ref takes it in the head from a pissed Cuban

This picture initially made me giggle because of the awkward nature of the referee’s hands and the look on his face, it’s almost cartoonish.  The fact the referee is making a look like he sucked on a lemon orchard is because he just absorbed a Taekwondo kick to the head!  So, it’s not so funny and now it’s infuriating because it was performed by a veteran athlete and previous gold meddled Cuban Olympian who was throwing a tantrum because he wanted an exception to the rules after he broke one…AT THE OLYMPICS!

Well instead what he, Angel Matos and his coach, Leudis Gonzalez got instead was a lifetime ban in all championships sanctioned by the World Taekwondo Federation and the immediate erasing of all Matos’ records at the Bejing Olympics including this Bronze Medal Bout where he assaulted the ref.

Here’s what happened.  During the Bronze Medal Bout, Matos went down with what was apparently an injury to his foot, some say his toe was broken.  According to Taekwondo rules a fighter is only allowed one minute of injury time, if the fighter is not up and fighting when time runs out, then it’s automatic disqualification.  So, after Matos let his one minute of time run out and remained down on the mat, the ref disqualified him from the fight.  Matos then displayed Mike Tyson-like decision making and levels of control by pushing a judge, and kicking the referee (seen in the pic) in the head.  His coach, who left his integrity in his other pants, yelled at the officials stating they were being “too strict,”  as though it’s a not crystal clear issue. Matos ended the issue by spitting on the mat.  Classy.  I’ll take my Olympians bitter please.

Olympians need to remember when they’re competing this is a world event meant to represent each country.  So if you’re going to behave like a giant wiener or even worse, assault an official, then maybe you should bow out as a sports figure.  Represent your country not yourself.

This Week in Blessings that Eat You…

Um...when you get a chance...I'm gonna need that back.

This next story from Bangladesh might encourage me to rethink my secret urges to partake in intimate cuddling sprees with crocodiles.

While attempting to receive a blessing from a crocodile at the Muslim Khan Jahan Ali shrine, in a swift and severe form of Darwinism, Rubel Sheikh was attacked and eaten by the same crocodile.  This poor guy had traveled to the shrine with his mom where it’s reported hundreds of people come daily to sacrifice hens and goats to the crocodiles living in the waters there.  Part of the ritual at this shrine involves bathing in the infested waters to obtain the blessing.

This reminds me of U.S. southerners who play with rattlesnakes that have the capabilities to inject more venom than a feminist convention, and then have the nuts to say it proves their faith in Jesus.  Why does something need to almost kill a person in order for them to get some sort of spiritual message?

What if a lot of things almost kill you and you NEVER get the message you’ve been waiting for?  What if that means your whole life is destined for unenlightened journey.  Maybe this guy in Bangladesh didn’t need his hen or goat…what if HE was the sacrifice.  What if this was all a series of predestined events that ultimately led to the death of the man and the spiritual fulfillment of those around him.

Oh, wait.  Or…maybe it has nothing to do with spirituality and philosophy and these guys are a bunch of nimrods who forget that crocodiles are cold blooded creatures who will roll your ass into the underworld for a quick bite to eat.  Yeah…I’m betting that was it.

Teachers: Wait Until College to Screw Your Students – or The Mrs. Robinson Syndrome

So this week a Gym teacher in PA was sentenced to 3 years in the big house for chicks after her subsequent conviction of “sex with a 14 year old student and sending him erotic text messages.”  I’m a little confused, primarily because I’ve never encountered one gym teacher in my life who was slightly appealing to any prepubescent boy and didn’t somehow have a five o’clock shadow on her sternum.

The other reason for my confusion, however, is why we are suddenly referring to molestation as “sex” every time there’s a female perpetrator involved.  Have you noticed that yet?

There are always high profile fruit bars such as Mary Kay Letourneau or Debra Lafave ….though recently there is a media floodlight on cases across the nation on women who are baby snatching to satisfy sexual desires.  And guess what?  In many of those cases it’s rarely referred to as molestation.  It’s almost always referred to as sex or sexual acts.  But while surfing the waves of perverts surrounding my house at www.familywatchdog.us  I have to admit…the word feels a little more like “molestation” to me when I’m on the site comparing notes with other sex offenders and discovering these women have committed the same offense.  Especially when I see pictures like this:

run away.

But for some reason when people see pictures like this:

she likes em too young...

The word molestation becomes harder to say and it becomes “consesual sex” or “statuatory rape” or a variety of euphemisms for an adult having sex with a kid.

Ok…I know a woman’s societal role is to nurture and comfort, but if you’re under the age of 18, nurturing and comforting can be done without thigh high boots and pasties, for the most part anyway.

So now that I’ve established the word is molestation and NOT sex, allow me to say these women have had the privilege to teach and they’ve abused that privilege by luring half-baked teenage boys into their sexual fantasies.  In my theory, what they are experiencing are misguided symptoms of what I’m calling the “Mrs. Robinson Syndrome.”   No, I’m not a doctor or a scientist but I have a brain and a guess and I think that’s all anyone needs to get something right in this world.  So here goes.

My theory of The Mrs. Robinson Syndrome is simple.  It’s a reversion from adulthood in order to make oneself feel younger and also alleviate the associated loneliness that accompanies the onset of middle to older age.  Now as far as these young women/offenders, here is their problem.  These women are too young to be experiencing Mrs. Robinson Syndrome and when they commit to their reversion from adulthood the next level of reversion is adolescence.  So as a result instead of gettin’ busy with Dustin Hoffman from the Graduate…they wind up in the bushes with Neil Patrick Harris in Doogie Howser or younger.

The cure is simple for these young women who teach.  Remove yourself from lower grade levels and start teaching college.  You’re obviously too developmentally stunted to teach basic beginning values…but your poor level of decision making tells everyone that college could be the best place for you to teach!  People are making crap choices at universities across the nation on a regular basis, minute by minute in fact, and you might be a defining leader among them!  And at least there you can hump a student or two without getting arrested or being morally corrupt.

John Lennon’s Killer Gets What He Wants…It’s Just Not Parole

This week, Mark David Chapman received once again a true accounting for his singular role in destroying the musical and peace inspiring icon, John Lennon.  Again for the fifth time, Chapman was denied parole and remains soldered to his destiny as the personified darkness that washed over one of the worlds brightest lights.  Chapman had this to say:

“I recognized that that 25-year-old man, I don’t think he really appreciated the life that he was taking, that this was a human being,” he said. “I feel now at 53 I have grown into a deeper understanding of what a human life is. I have changed a lot.”

He continued to talk about his yearning for notoriety and fame as a possible explanation for the murder of Lennon.

“I would be something other than a nobody, and that was my reasoning at the time,” Chapman said.

Ok, so it looks like Chapman will be receiving precisely what he put in the stars for himself.  He wanted notoriety, he wanted the attention…it’s unfortunate however that his mental instability failed to give him a sense of planning as his bid for that attention took him to a dark place that will give him all the infamy he desires, but he’ll be too busy behind bars to enjoy it.  Cosmic justice is sweet in all its glory.

So way to go Mark David!  You did it, you finally got what you wanted!!! A lot of attention and the sinister honor to say you killed John Lennon.  But, now you don’t get the benefit of hindsight.  You see…you don’t get to slaughter one of the world’s most loving voices that spoke and speaks to generations and now look back and make amends and still get the noteriety you sought.  You’re either the bad guy or the good guy here Mark, and you’ve already chosen your path…so good luck with the parole board in 2012, because here on the outside – nobody cares how much you’ve learned about yourself, you’re still a murdering loser, and we’re still trying to imagine it hasn’t happened.

Out of the Blue and Into the Psych Ward.

This just in: Bush Eats Kittens to bulk up for Russian Conflict

I knew it all along.